Bintshe the Tsadeykeste

Good day Bintshe, I didn’t mean to cut you off in the middle of a sentence, may it bring us both joy and happiness—TOLTSE said to BINTSHE—but I have news.

BINTSHE: What sort of news?

[TOLTSE:] What, you haven’t heard?

BINTSHE: No, may it not cause me trouble.

TOLTSE: Ha, ha, ha, little children are talking about it and you haven’t heard yet?

BINTSHE: So tell me already.

TOLTSE: I’ll tell you but you must keep it a secret. Bintshe, come over here to the side. Know that the whole town is in agreement about this—they’re going to demolish the bathhouse.

BINTSHE: What in God’s name has gotten into you? What are you talking about? What does that mean—demolish the bathhouse?

TOLTSE: You’re hearing it like it is. That’s what I’m saying.

BINTSHE: Oy, I feel sick. Why do they have to bother with the bathhouse? They’d be better off bothering about themselves. I am not going to remain silent about this.

TOLTSE: Well what do you know! I thought I told you to keep this a secret.

BINTSHE: Nu, nu, I’d be happy to, If you can just tell me what the Synagogue Council has to say about this?

TOLTSE: Ha, ha, ha, they’re the ones who actually came up with the idea.

BINTSHE: Well if that’s the case I really cannot remain silent! I’m going to them.

(BINTSHE rushes, barely breathing, to the DOZOR’s, feverish with rage.)

BINTSHE: Good morning, where is the Dozor?

DOZOR’S WIFE: (all cheery) Ha, Bintshe, Good morning, good year, may you be blessed that you’re asking. What do you need to see my husband about?

BINTSHE: (in a quiet voice) I have something to talk to him about.

At that moment the DOZOR enters, having just come from the mikvah, ^{11 11} Pool used for ritual immersion, usually located in the bathhouse. and finds BINTSHE sitting on the sleeping bench. ^{12 12} Used for seating by day and as a bed at night.

DOZOR: Bintshe, what are you doing here? It’s a sign that something must be going on.

BINTSHE: A sign huh? Like the old saying, “He who felt it, dealt it.” (She jumps up in anger.) What’s the matter with you, don’t you have anything better to do than pick on the bathhouse? Is it that you want to defile the whole town?

DOZOR: Nu, nu, just the opposite. Just try explaining to common people . . .

DOZOR: Since Bintshe has nothing useful to say, how about I open the door with your head? Get out you old witch! Out of my house!

(BINTSHE runs out terrified. In her fright her apron falls off and her kopke ^{13 13} Woman’s headdress or cap. rolls back on her head almost exposing her hair. She runs back to TOLTSE in hopes of coming up with a way to do something about this.)

BINTSHE: (Enters TOLTSE’s house very upset.) Good evening.

TOLTSE: Good evening, good year. Bintsheshi, ^{14 14} Toltse adds a diminutive to Bintshe’s name, making it a nickname expressing familiarity or affection. what happened?

BINTSHE: Oh don’t even ask, I’m actually on my way back from the Dozor’s. He was about to beat me.

TOLTSE: You see, I told you not to go, that it would be for naught.

BINTSHE: I beg you Toltseshi, don’t lay stones on my heart. I pray to God something might yet change. With God’s help, if Bintshe puts her mind to it, something will surely come of it. But we must have patience. I will go see Reb Elkhonen Shames and also Reb Moyshe Grineles. It remains to be seen how this will end up. Good night to you, Toltse.

TOLTSE: Oy, and a good year to you. If we could only see our hopes come true, just as we’re seeing each other now.

BINTSHE: (She raises her head.) Omeyn. Omeyn. ^{15 15} Amen

The following morning, Bintshe went to shul to remind the Dozor about the bathhouse. ^{16 16} From this point on the story largely abandons the play-like form it has employed thus far, returning to it occasionally. She finished up her prayers, went home and sent for Reb Elkhonen Shames and Reb Moyshe Grineles and the rest of her gang. Everyone sat down at her table and before you knew it, a racket ensued. The result being: a messenger was to be sent to the zaddik in Kotiv and another to Makevits, with no expense spared in compensating the rabbis for their help. ^{17 17} Kotiv could refer to several locations in contemporary Ukraine, most likely one of two Kotivs east of the city of Lutsk. Makevits is likely Makowiec in contemporary Poland, near the city of Radom.

In short, two messengers were sent on their way. They dallied for eight days and came back just in time for parshes koyrekh. ^{18 18} 38th weekly Torah portion read in June or July, telling of the Levite Korah and his band’s uprising against Moses at Mt. Sinai.
At four in the afternoon on Friday, the two of them arrived at the shul courtyard. The courtyard was filled with the men of the town. The two messengers wanted to know what the tumult was about, at which point Reb Moyshe-Mordkhe Melamed, Reb Avrom Shadkhn and Reb Shmuel Khayim, in unison, announced to the crowd: “You all still have time today to go to the bathhouse. After Shabbos the bathhouse will be demolished.”

My dear readers, you can’t imagine the size of the crowd. People were packed head to head in the bathhouse. That Friday the bath attendant’s pockets were filled. People brought every kind of coin to pay the attendant.

A regular bath without a brush cost four groschen; ^{19 19} Polish coin of the smallest denomination. with a brush, six groschen; a brush and a bucket, eight groschen.

Right before sunset the middle class crowd came pouring in. Meaning, Reb Yehoshua Granitse, Reb Shmuel the Blindman, Reb Sholem Yapke, Reb Nakhmen Kopke, Reb Moyshe-Dovid P., Reb Yisroel Frost. Those were the middle class people.

Dear reader, if I would take the time to describe every one of them to you, you would become exhausted from all the reading. Let’s leave the shul courtyard filled with all the townsmen and get back to Bintshe.

It just so happened that on that particular Friday night, the night of parshes koyrekh, Bintshe went for her leyl tvile. ^{20 20} Woman’s monthly submersion in the mikvah after menstruating, permitting the resumption of intercourse, which is forbidden during menstruation. A custom in the small shtetls was that after their monthly dunk, the women would peek into the House of Study in order to witness holiness and thereby give birth to a Torah scholar. And if she should encounter a boy on her way, she would give him a pinch. ^{21 21} Unwritten tradition or custom practiced by women to enable the conception of a male Torah scholar. The thinking being that the child she might conceive that night would be a Torah scholar if she had touched a yeshiva student on her way home from the mikvah.

As Bintshe was leaving the study house she encountered the Dozor’s son. So she gave him a pinch. The boy stopped in his tracks scared to death and ran home hysterically to his father. His father asked him: “What has terrified you so?” The boy told him that Bintshe had pinched him. So his father said: “I’m going right over to Bintshe’s to ask her why she pinched you.”

When the Dozor got to Bintshe’s house, he found her sitting by her tsimmes. ^{22 22} Stew of sweetened vegetables and fruit. [Brings to mind the image of a witch incanting over her kettle.] And even though the tsimmes was only made of turnips it was steaming like the grandest of steam machines.

BINTSHE, unnerved by the Dozor’s arrival, remained seated and said to him: What are you doing here?

The DOZOR said angrily: Why did you attack my boy?

BINTSHE responded: What in God’s name has gotten into you? What are you talking about, what do you mean I attacked your boy? Where would I have had anything to do with him?

DOZOR: Don’t talk nonsense! You pinched him! The boy nearly fainted.

Bintshe remembered but was too embarrassed to explain herself to the Dozor. So she denied the whole story. The Dozor left very angry. Right after havdole ^{23 23} Ceremony performed at the close of the Sabbath to mark the return to the workweek. he rushed to the courthouse to file a case against her.

Who knows how much this business will wind up costing? For now, his petition was sent to the provincial government. But let’s leave the case alone for now and get back to the bathhouse.

And it came to pass that the town became embroiled in a great dispute. One side proclaimed the bathhouse not be demolished. The other side believed the bathhouse should be demolished. A decision was made to call a meeting of all the big shots, including the rabbi as well. A date and place were picked for the meeting. It was decided it would be held on Wednesday at three in the afternoon. The location was to be by the new administration building. And so it was.

It was decided at the meeting that each side would petition for signatures. The side with the least signatures would have to concede to the side with the most signatures.

Representatives from both sides were sent to gather signatures. One company was sent to Yatke Street. ^{24 24} Butcher’s street Another went to Potstove Street, ^{25 25} Post Office street just as they had agreed.

Just Reb Hillel’s street and the shul courtyard were left—whichever side was stronger would get those signatures.

My dear readers, I must clarify—those two streets were the most crowded in town. All the Torah scribes and all the beadles, all the scripture teachers and all the ritual slaughterers were located there. If you needed a little prokhne for a bris, ^{26 26}Prokhne is likely a folk medicine made from small pieces of rotten wood. A bris is a ritual circumcision performed when a boy child is eight days old. you could get it there. The city records, the records of the Khevre Klepke ^{27 27} Association of Loose Screws and the other societies were also there. The key to the cemetery and the bath-brush stores were also located there. Even the craftsman who made shrouds was located on those blocks. So you can imagine how many signatures could be squeezed out of there.

And so it happened that the two factions met on the shul street and they all went in together to one man—Reb Yudl Gratch, ^{28 28} Gratch means to ‘tinker’ or ‘putter.’ by his kosher name, whom I will describe to you: a fat nose, greasy hair, blind in one eye, a twisted mouth, a humpback, bowlegged and nine hand-spans tall. In short, a man with every virtue.

As it came to pass, with God’s help, both factions began to fight and Reb Yudl Gratch remained seated, looking as if he’d soiled himself. He didn’t know which petition to sign. A fracas broke out—people started screaming and yelling at each other to the point of punches being thrown.

At that point, one of the philosophers by the name of Reb Dovid Khlast came running to the rescue. He counseled they take a handkerchief, tie a knot in it, and whichever company undid it with the right side up, that is whose petition Reb Yudl Gratch should sign. ^{29 29} A way of picking lots, whoever gets the “right” side of the handkerchief wins. Everyone agreed to that because they saw what a powerful idea it was.

Long story short, the company for demolishing the bathhouse had luck on its side and won. They began to rejoice and Reb Yudl Gratch, at last, signed with them.

The other company withdrew from the scene in shame, their heads mournfully bowed.

Dear readers, you yourselves can understand their grief.

By the time Thursday night came around the entire town was done with signing. Both companies went directly to the rabbi with their signatures. The rabbi prepared himself and began counting the signatures. The tally pointed to demolishing the bathhouse because the side for demolishing had thirteen more signatures than the side against demolishing. It was then resolved that the whole community would come together the following morning to demolish the bathhouse.

All night it was dark in the shtetl. With God’s help day broke. The bigwigs of the town went out to the bathhouse with weapons. One had a spade, another a crowbar, another a rock. As they were about to start demolishing the bathhouse a great outcry erupted from the opposition and they began, yet again, to fisticuff. The actual leader, Reb Elkhonen Shames was pitiably thrown up against the bathhouse and a whole wall came down with the force of it. In that manner people were throwing each other at the bathhouse until God came to their aid and the bathhouse fell to pieces in ruin. There was no need for any of the tools as it had already been rotting away for ten years.

So now dear readers let’s let the bathhouse lie and go on to report about Bintshe’s lawsuit.

After a while subpoenas were sent out from the court. Bintshe received a subpoena as did the Dozor and two witnesses, Reb Nakhmen Klitske and Reb Shmuel Stronke. The bunch of them arrived at the provincial headquarters. As Bintshe arrived at the hearing she noticed the two witnesses, Reb Nakhmen Klitske and Reb Shmuel Stronke.

“What are you doing here?” she asked them.

They responded with, “How is it that you don’t know, we witnessed you giving the Dozor’s son a pinch.”

Bintshe, suddenly terrified, took a big snort of tobacco to ease her anxiety and sneezed. “What do you think you saw?”

She, the poor thing, knew the truth that the night she went to be immersed in the waters she hadn’t crossed paths with anyone. So she said to herself, “I see now that what Khay the Prophet said was true: ‘Streets have eyes and walls have ears.’” ^{30 30} A turning upside down of liturgy referring to idols: Psalm 115:1-11 ‘They have a mouth but cannot speak, eyes, and cannot see…’

The Dozor stood before the judge and began recounting the whole story: “My Dear Sir Mr. Judge, my boy was walking and this woman hit him . . . ”

The judge called one of the witnesses and questioned him.

The witness responded with, “What this Mr. Dozor says is how it was.”

The other witness said, “That is how it was.”

Bintshe was then called upon to speak. She began with, “Please Sir Judge, I belong first to God and then to you. I was on my way home from the mikvah and this boy was on his way home from the study house. He was walking. I was walking. He then stopped near me and screamed. I only brushed his hand and he screamed bloody murder. Please Sir, I’m not the type. I would never. That boy is creating a plague. To summarize, please Sir, these witnesses are liars. I’ll bring my own . . . ^{31 31} The Dozor, witnesses, and Bintshe all speak in broken Polish.

So in essence the case was dismissed and the Dozor filed an appeal.

As Bintshe was coming home from the provincial office she ran into her gang.

Dear readers, I must present you with the entire company: Blind Sheve, Khaye-Gitl Khlast, The Lame Miller Maid, Sara Shmaltz, and Bashe Odes.

The entire lot of them loudly greeted Bintshe in unison with, “Well look who’s here! Bintshe, how did you fare at your hearing?”

Bintshe, very perturbed, replied with, “Oy, what else could I do? The Dozor filed an appeal.”

Blind Sheve was shocked and exclaimed, “What? He’s forming a new police force? ^{32 32} The word for “police,” politsye, sounds like the word for “appeal,” apelatsye. What in God’s name has got into you? What are you saying? He will rot in chains!”

Bintshe, smiling outwardly at Blind Sheve said, “Sheveshi, don’t be offended, but you’re from the old world. Please pardon me, I don’t mean to insult you, but you have no idea how things work at the court these days.”

She then proceeded to tell her gang all about the explanations she gave to the judge. Everyone responded to Bintshe in unison: “May we have as good a year as how well you expressed yourself!”

Khaye-Gitl Khlast added, “More than that! I was at the old zaddik’s last week and I wasn’t even allowed to say a word.”

BINTSHE: Girls, now is not the time to speak of world affairs. Let’s better try to think of a way to save me from this appeal.

Bashe Odes sighed deeply so Sara Shmaltz motioned her aside and said, “Bashe Odes, why are you sighing so?”

BASHE ODES: Nu. Nu. Leave me alone already about why I’m sighing. Do you think it’s such a small thing that she has to go before the judge again and extricate herself again all by herself? You must all be well aware of King David’s words, may he rest in peace. Didn’t he say in Lamentations that life and language are in the hands of death? ^{33 33} David’s Lamentations, Proverbs 18:21: “Life and Death are in the power of the tongue; and those who love it will eat its fruit. ” It’s a good thing she acquitted herself so well the first time but miracles don’t happen all the time.

You, my dear readers, will understand how great the grief was for Bintshe and her company.

BINTSHE: Good day to you all. I have to go home and go to sleep. I didn’t sleep all night. This evening after minkhe ^{34 34} Afternoon prayer service you should all come over to my house. I’ll also invite the rest of my good friends and we’ll all talk this over together.

Bintshe went home and the company dispersed each to her own business. Blind Sheve went to visit the sick. She said vidui ^{35 35} Confession of sin said before dying. with some of them. And then she went to the cemetery mestn feld. ^{36 36}Mestn feld literally means to “measure field” referring to using string to measure graves. The string is then used to work a charm by using it for wick in making spiritually charged candles. That has always been her profession. Khaye-Gitl Khlast ran out to the village to buy various things: potato peels, a cretonne apron, and on her way she gathered some sedum, such as God provides. The Lame Miller maid, although she’d already been dead three years, was still carrying on with her business on Front Street, selling various fruits via her hand: poppy pods, pumpkin seeds, seckel pears, fermented apples, and even some honeycomb too. There was also some rhubarb, senna, and licorice cakes. Sara Shmaltz ran a factory mending old things. And she had another little business on the side. When the new sorrel came up she gathered up a full apron of it everyday and sold it at a profit. Basha Odes was very gifted. She knew how to handle rickets, how to anoint a child’s belly and she even knew how to rip a fungus off a scalp. She was thanks to God, a powerful expert.

With God’s help and as luck would have it, night fell. When the company got home from work they went directly to Bintshe’s. They all sat down rather audaciously at the table with Bintshe at the head. Around her sat her retinue and everyone began to think about what to do. They sent for the rest of their company of both men and women—all Bintshe’s good friends. Everyone stayed till midnight by which time they weren’t anywhere near concluding. So Miryem Hinde the bathhouse attendant spoke up in a loud voice: “Raboysim, Gentlemen! Pardon me, but my advice is this:

“Since we’re all sitting here together let’s go to the shul and pray—each woman her own prayer and each man his own. Let’s actually plead to God beseeching him with moans and wails. Maybe God will take pity on Bintshe with all her years.”

The whole entourage got into a lively discussion on the matter and everyone agreed that Miryem Hinde the bathhouse attendant was right. A good angel must have sent that advice into her mind. Ho gavre v’ho traske, ^{37 37} “ . . . and so there is here a man and also the strength of his smack.” Trask in Yiddish means “smack.” no sooner said than done!

They sent a special emissary to get the key to the cemetery. The key was in the hands of the respectable woman, Male Peshe. The messenger was bow-legged, a little deaf, and blind in both eyes. His name: Reb Leyb Trask.

Dear readers, you must be aware that when such a capable emissary is sent, the mission does not take very long at all.

The messenger, in good fortune, returned with the key just as dawn was beginning to break. Reb Leyb Trask was welcomed back with quite a brouhaha.

The entire klatch then emerged simultaneously heading directly for the shul with Bintshe in the lead and the rest of her gang behind her.

When they got to the shul Bintshe went to the door and knocked three times with the key. ^{38 38} It is a custom not to enter an empty synagogue at night without knocking three times to signal the ghosts within to disappear. And using the cemetery key to knock makes it all the more effective. As she was completing the third knock, a tooth broke off the key.

A big tumult ensued. Everyone said it was obvious that heaven wasn’t going to allow them to enter. There was without a doubt some sin that had occurred in the shtetl. They would have to decree a fast and actually threaten with the three letters, ^{39 39} The three letters: Khes, reysh, mem, spelling “kheyrem,” excommunication. that whoever felt they’d sinned or knew of anyone who had, was ordered with the utmost severity to come forward and tell Bintshe that very day.

They immediately sent Reb Elkhonen Shames with his thick calling stick ^{40 40} The shames called the congregation to services by banging on people’s window shutters with a ritual knocker. to call everyone to shul. The common folk thought they were being called to shul about the payment of taxes. In the meantime the whole shtetl convened in the shul and the entire affair was talked over from beginning to end. And they actually very simply decreed a fast by distinctly calling out the three letters followed with:

“Does anyone perhaps know of someone who has committed something of a sin? Or maybe someone feels that they have committed something of a sin themselves.” And it was ordered with the utmost severity that whoever knew something must reveal it.

Just as the shames was announcing the decree, Reb Aron Shmerkes crawled out from under a table and in a hoarse voice proclaimed, “Raboysim, Gentlemen, I wouldn’t even have mentioned it but because of your decree I am obliged to speak the truth. I now regret not having said anything until now. You should all know that when I recently spent two weeks in Stok, I saw, with my own eyes, Aron Ricker’s son wearing spit-polished boots on a Wednesday afternoon. ^{41 41} Fancy boots should only be worn on the Sabbath, separating the holy from the profane. And I don’t think that was the first time that ever happened.”

The entire audience froze, speechless, very frightened. They remained that way for several minutes and then a tumult ensued. Everyone altogether as one said, “He should pay for it with his head, with his hands, with his flesh and with his life.” No innocent should have any part of it!

The congregation then went over to Reb Ahron Shmerkes and said, “You are permitted, you are permitted, you are permitted!” ^{42 42}Mutar lekh, Heb., Permitted by religious law.

And Reb Ahron Shmerkes funded a half pint of aquavit for everyone to partake of.

Everyone went home and Reb Elkhonen Shames quickly ran to Reb Yeshaye the blacksmith with the key. Reb Yeshaye was luckily able to mend the tooth back onto the key and the key was brought to Bintshe at home with great fanfare. The news was promptly sent to the entire company that the key had been repaired.

That evening between minkhe and mayrev, the assembly, Bintshe’s coterie of intimate friends, gathered and decided they would go to shul at midnight to say their prayers as they should be said.

At midnight the entire company went with Bintshe to the shul. They simply knocked three times on the door with the key to the cemetery and to their good fortune opened the shul and everyone went straight in. Bintshe washed her hands and kissed the mezuzah. ^{43 43} Ritual performed upon entering shul She went over to the holy ark and began to pray.

Dear readers, I must acquaint you with the way Bintshe prayed in shul that night at midnight, which is considered an auspicious hour. Sentinels stood guard on the street. It was quiet in town. The only sounds were the snores coming from the beds of the old shopkeepers.

Bintshe went over to the ark with a bitter heart, her entourage surrounding her. In a heart-rending cry, she proceeded in the style of the Mayver yabek: ^{44 44} “The Ford of Jabbok,” a book of prayers for the dying and dead.

Reb Yoyneh Shel Oylem! ^{45 45} Pun turning the moniker, Reboynu [master] Shel Oylem [of the universe] into Reb Yoyneh Shel Oylem, giving him a familiar first name, Yoyneh or Jonah.
I am your servant, Bintshe, your servant.
Beg you my prayer not be for naught.
Do you remember, sweet God, when my husband wanted to divorce me,
The two of us then too had a little chat.
All I wanted was to stand up for the town.
For the bathhouse not to be torn down.
All roads were then closed to me.
And on top of it Reb Elkhonen Shames actually aided the demolition of the bathhouse with his head.
Last week my husband got a hankering.
So I went for my ritual dunk and a
catastrophe befell me for no reason at all.
Reb Yoyneh Shel Oylem, you know very well
I did not go to indulge myself.
Help me now, in my hour of need, to win this case against me.
May all good merits hasten now to pray for me:
That I, Bintshe, not—God forbid!—rot in chains.
Reb Yoyneh Shel Oylem, please answer my prayer.
So that I may still do some good in this world,
as it has been written for me
In the tekhine fun sharey tsiyen ^{46 46} A women’s prayer book
Show me favor on the merits of Blind Sheve
And show me favor on the merits of Lot the Zaddik who called out from his ark, ^{47 47} “Tsodoke mimeni” are words spoken by Judah, not Lot, when he realizes that his daughter-in-law Tamar is pregnant by him, Genesis 38: 26, the commonality being they both impregnated women they were related to. “She is more righteous than me.”
Show me favor on the merits of Blind Leah Mordkhe’s.
May I reap everything good on the merits of Miryem Hinde the Mattress Ticker.
Show me your wonders that my children may not beat me.
Answer our prayers on the merits of Titus, on the merits of Korah, on the merits of Belshaazar, on the merits of Haman, on the merits of Balak ben Zippor, on the merits of Nebuzaradan, on the merits of Terah, on the merits of Balaam, on the merits of Nimrod, on the merits of Jeroboam ben Nabat, answer us! ^{48 48} Biblical characters who each in his way undermined the Jewish folk.

When Bintshe finished her prayer she bent her knees in a bow before the curtain over the ark and said, “A good-day to you. It will be my great pleasure to see you again soon.”

Her whole entourage, gathered about her, listened to her prayer and responded with omeyn, as usual.

Bintshe wiped her eyes and cried out loudly, “May we all be in agreement that Bintshe, daughter of Yokhved, prevails for all that is good!”

And they all in fact did just that. Each one of them went over to Bintshe and wished her success in prevailing for all that is good.

Bintshe then lit a candle for Reb Meyer Baal HaNes ^{49 49}Rabbi Meir the Miracle Maker and little by little the company dispersed. Bintshe locked the door of the shul herself and Reb Leyb Trask brought the key back to Male Peshe. And Male Peshe also agreed that Bintshe should have her way for the sake of all that is good.

The gang dispersed, each one to his own business.

Reb Leyb Trask also went on his way to gather a bit of rotted wood to make prokhne. Reb Leyb Trask had an agreement with the town—that no one else be permitted to manufacture sawdust but Reb Leyb Trask—even though there had been much dissention about it. But Reb Leyb Trask nevertheless won the case before the rabbinic tribunal because his father had also traditionally been in that business. And so it remained that “the fathers’ deeds carry over to their sons” and that “tradition overrides law.” And so Reb Leyb Trask remained in that business.

Now, dear readers, we will leave Bintshe at home for a bit. Fresh subpoenas were soon due to arrive from the provincial court.

On the third day there was a commotion in the shtetl. What happened? Reb Pesach Potshter ^{50 50}Potsher: postman brought the subpoenas.

Reb Pesach went directly to Bintshe’s calling out, “Good morning to you, Bintshe.”

Bintshe responded with, “And a good year to you, Reb Pesach.”

It just so happened that Reb Pesach was about to host a bris, so since Bintshe attended all the brises of the poor she thought that Reb Pesach had come to invite her to his bris.

So she asked him, “Nu, when are you going to circumcise the child?”

Pesach, totally perplexed said, “What do you mean circumcise, what are you talking about, Bintshe? Here, take this subpoena to the appeal instead!”

Bintshe remained seated, totally terrified. As if she was dying limb by limb, she said, “Oy woe is me and my many years. Not another zibrevanye.”

Pesach got mad and said to Bintshe, “It’s not called a zibrevanye, it’s a vizevanye!” ^{51 51} Pesach gets mad because Bintshe mispronounces the word for summons or subpoena.

Bintshe replied, “Nu, nu, so let it be a vizevane—it can be whatever it wants to be—makes no difference to me.”

Reb Pesach left and went straight to the Dozor and the first two witnesses, Reb Nakhmen Klitske and Reb Shmuel Stronke, and gave them their subpoenas. He then went home to circumcise his child.

The whole matter wouldn’t leave Bintshe alone. She couldn’t sit still. So she rushed out to her good friends, in fact, to her main group: Reb Elkhonen Shames, Reb Moyshe Grineles, Reb Avrom Shadkhn, Reb Leyzer Maneles, Reb Yehoshua Granitse, Reb Shmuel the Blindman, Reb Sholem Kopke, Reb Moyshe-Dovid Pey, Reb Yisroel Frost, Reb Yudl Gratsh, not omitting the women: Blind Sheve, Bashe Odes, The Lame Millermaid, Sara Shmaltz, Khaye-Gitl Khlast, Male Peshe, Miryem Hinde the bathhouse attendant, Etta the Kneader, the Tshebakhe, and the Bal-Doverke.

The whole company got together at Bintshe’s. At first they talked a little politics—news from Warsaw about how the trains run down the middle of the street there. They talked about how hunks of iron grew on every street corner and how people walked around holding roofs in their hands. ^{52 52} Street lamps and umbrellas, likely. And Basha Odes also had a little news: She had seen, with her own eyes, in Warsaw on Wałowa Street, a hundred cash registers, looking like these long black cans filled with money, running by in less than a minute. ^{53 53} Trams

Upon hearing this Bintshe yelled, “Enough talking politics already! Let’s better get on with my business. As Zimri Ben Salu said, eyn me’orvin simkhe b’simkhe, meaning, you cannot start a new order of business before you finish with the first order of business.” ^{54 54} Again Bintshe confuses her citation attributing this quote from the Gemara to the wrong source. Ben Salu flaunted his appetites for women before Moses. She is again attributing her citations to tyrants or molesters, the irony being that she herself is being accused of molestation.

Just as Bintshe was done saying that, Khaye-Gitl Khlast exploded in a powerful sneeze. So Bintshe said, “Khaye-Gitl, pull on your ears.” And the whole company responded with, “God bless you. To your health!”

At that Odes suddenly yelled out, “Children, my advice is that we all go, tonight at midnight, to the holy place ^{55 55} The cemetery and plead at the graves of the deceased to intercede. We’ll recite the entire Mayne Loshn. ^{56 56} Women’s prayer book containing special prayers said at the grave. Blind Sheve will measure graves and right before Bintshe has to go to court we’ll light candles in all the shuls so they burn all through the hearing.”

The entire company heartily agreed and all in one voice said, “We should have such a year as Basha Odes is right. But tonight—it’s already too late. May God grant us health, we’ll go tomorrow.”

With God’s help morning arrived and Bintshe went out about town looking for witnesses. As she was walking around she came upon Reb Leyzer Maneles. He was a torah scholar. His nose looked like a citron. ^{57 57} Big, pock-marked lemon used at Succoth. His cheeks were sunken and he had a scant little beard. His dress was old-fashioned. A Jew with every virtue. And thank God, he was not averse to a good drink of whiskey either, which he washed down with another glass of whiskey.

As soon as Bintshe laid eyes on him she said, “Reb Leyzer, please excuse me, but come over here.”

“What is it Bintsheshi?” Reb Leyzer replied.

He thought she was going to invite him to a shevebrokhes. ^{58 58} One of seven consecutive celebrations after a wedding. So he took out his pouch and offered her a taste of tobacco.

Bintshe let out a powerful sneeze spraying all over Reb Leyzer’s face.

Reb Leyzer asked, “Who is having shevebrokhes today?

BINTSHE: What in God’s name has gotten into you, Reb Leyzer, what are you talking about shevebrokhes, I merely need witnesses.

REB LEYZER: Who’s getting a divorce today?

BINTSHE: What are you talking about Reb Leyzer, what divorce? Don’t be so standoffish—I simply need witnesses.

REB LEYZER: So tell me, what do you need witnesses for? Maybe for a khalitse? ^{59 59} Procedure releasing a man from a Levirate marriage in which he is obliged to marry his brother’s widow. Maybe I could be a witness too?

BINTSHE: That’s exactly what I want—I want you to be my witness.

REB LEYZER: Nu, then you’ll certainly want me to drink to that.

BINTSHE: Then so be it—it’s only a drink.

Reb Leyzer took a big drink of whiskey and said l’khayim to Bintshe, promising her he’d be her witness. A witness to what and when he didn’t bother to ask, nor did she tell him. He ended with, “And a good-day to you Bintshe, and for God’s sake don’t get yourself someone else to witness for you.”

Bintshe went on her way to get herself another witness and ran into Reb Yosele Pozner on the street. Reb Yosele was a bit nasal sounding and had a huge back. He squinted a lot and had a matted beard.

Bintshe, putting her thumb on her cheek greeted him quietly, “Good-day to you, Reb Yosele.”

Reb Yosele responded with, “And a good-year to you, Bintshe! What are you doing out on the street? It’s not like you to be wandering about like this.”

Bintshe paused for a bit and then said, “Reb Yosele, let me tell you the honest truth—I need a witness.”

Reb Yosele wanted to know, “What sort of witness?”

“It could be whoever,” Bintshe replied.

Thick smoke began pouring forth as Reb Yosele lit up his pipe.

Bintshe, practically choking standing next to him, bade him, “A good-day to you Reb Yosele, and know that I’m counting on you.”

Reb Yosl went home to his wife, and told her to make him a good meal. He then told her that he was going to be a witness.

“What kind of witness are you going to be?” she wanted to know.

“What business is it of yours? If I don’t know, why should you?” Reb Yosl angrily replied.

And then he got so mad that he called her several names, “You shrew, you witch, you pain in the ass.” This made his wife also get good and mad.

They got to the point of almost hitting each other. God helped and they calmed down. Reb Yosl finished eating and went to sleep.

Nu, let’s let Reb Yosl sleep a little and go see what’s happening with Bintshe.

Bintshe, in great glee, went to report to her company that she already had her two witnesses and that they had to quickly go to the cemetery to plead at the graves of the deceased and measure graves so that they could light candles in all the shuls in order to win the case, precisely as Basha Odes had directed.

Bintshe and her entire company then waited anxiously for midnight to arrive because that was the appointed hour to go to the graveyard.

Dear reader, I must inform you why they had to be at the graveyard only at midnight. Because the zaddikim that Bintshe was planning to go see had mostly been active at night. One of them bought poultry at night. Another bought livestock, whatever God sent him. Because they were up at night when they were alive then they would certainly also be up at night now that they were dead. And they would certainly hear Bintshe’s plea and immediately rush to pray for Bintshe’s sake.

As soon as midnight arrived Bintshe and her company went directly to the graveyard and she recited a few pages of Mayne Loshn according to her habit. Bintshe led the way and her company followed. She went directly to the grave of Reb Mordkhe-Binyomin. He was a great zaddik, may his merit protect us. ^{60 60} Bintshe makes a humorous or ironic mistake in this formula, replacing the word “us” (aleynu) with “sigh” (aneykha) When he was alive, people were afraid to disturb him, so now too they didn’t want to bother him.

Bintshe went over and had a lie down on his grave. She kissed it three times and recited from Mayne Loshn that which is said at the grave of a zaddik.

And then she said, “I, Bintshe, daughter of Yokhved, have come with a broken and heavy heart to beseech you, Mordkhe-Binyomen, that you make haste and quickly go to plead on my behalf. And take a few more zaddikim with you. And, you should all agree that I, Bintshe, daughter of Yokhved, come out of this court case clean.

She bent her knees, bowing three times to the grave and said, “A good-night to you, Reb Mordkhe-Binyomin.”

Putting her right foot forward Bintshe then went straight to the grave of the zaddik, Reb Zushe Zomb. He was a powerful handworker who had died while performing his ritual hand-washing. She also spent time at his grave delivering her powerful prayers. And then she went to several more graves.

This whole group of intimates she visited loved each other so much when they were alive that even when they had business to take care of one didn’t go anywhere without the others.

When day began to dawn Bintshe announced to her company that it was time to go home and lie down for a while because the appeal was scheduled for ten that morning and she had to prepare what she would say before the judge.

Let’s let Bintshe lie down for a while and go look in on the Dozor.

And it came to pass that precisely on the day of the appeal, the yearly market was being held in Stok. The Dozor had to go to the market to buy a cow. So he went to the livestock market and bought a skinny cow with a fat tail. He paid seventy-seven gulden ^{61 61} A gulden is worth fifteen kopeks or thirty groschen. for the cow and went to the tavern with the peasant who sold it to him to down a large stein. The peasant went on his way and the Dozor left the tavern leading his cow by the horn.

As he was going along like that, a passerby recognized the cow. He approached the Dozor saying, “Where did you get that cow?”

The Dozor, scared out of his mind, froze in his tracks not knowing at all how to respond. The peasant called for the policeman and the Dozor and his cow were dragged over to the administrative office. The peasant proceeded to tell the village magistrate that his cow had been taken from its stall the night before. So he went to the market to look for it and recognized it walking with this Jew.

The village magistrate immediately jailed the Dozor and gave the cow to the peasant.

Let me leave the Dozor sitting in jail for a while and let’s go to the witnesses, Reb Leyzer Maneles and Reb Yosele Razine. ^{62 62} Another name that changes in the text. Above, it was Reb Yosele Pozner; here it is Razine and Raziner. Each spelling is used only once.

Reb Leyzer Maneles having just finished his prayers, went straight to the tavern to get a drink. As he walked into the bar he encountered Reb Yosele Raziner holding a large glass. Leyzer wondered about Reb Yosl and asked him, “Yosele, what’s the story with you today? That’s some tall glass you’ve got there. You’ll soon catch up to me.”

Something must be up because Reb Yosl was not a big drinker. The barkeep was also surprised, but of course he had to keep it to himself.

Reb Yosele motioned Reb Leyzer aside and said to him, “Leyzer, don’t say anything to anyone but know that I’m going to be a witness today.”

Leyzer, releasing a big guffaw, blurted out, ‘Well what do you know, me too, I’m going to be a witness today too!”

Dear readers, you can’t possibly imagine the delight of these two. They didn’t beat around the bush, Reb Leyzer ordered two beer glasses filled with aquavit. And Reb Yosele also ordered the same. As they both drank their whiskey they began to argue, saying terrible things.

Reb Leyzer said to Reb Yosele, “You know what my advice to you is—you should go to sleep.”

And Reb Yosele said to Reb Leyzer, “And my advice to you is—you should go to sleep.”

As the barkeep listened to their confrontation he worried that the two were about to break into fisticuffs. So he advised them, smiling and saying, “The fairest thing would be for you both to go to sleep.”

That appealed to both men and they settled on it. Nu, the two witnesses fortunately went to sleep. Meanwhile the appeal was due to begin shortly.

Bintshe went out into the street to meet up with her witnesses. She wandered around the entire shtetl and didn’t see the witnesses anywhere. What was she to think, poor thing! So she decided to go to court in the meantime—the witnesses would probably turn up there. When Bintshe got to the courthouse she didn’t see the Dozor nor did she see the witnesses. She was completely at a loss about what to think.

The Dozor and the witnesses were called up to the bench. No one came forward.

When the judge called Bintshe Tsutsokovske, she went up to the judge in terror and said the following words,“Please Sir Judge, I am here and he is not. None of the witnesses are here either. If he’s not here then I’m not here. Please then Sir Judge, make the case not be here either.” ^{63 63} Again, Bintshe speaks in Polish

The judge had a good laugh. He had to at least hear the case but in the end the case was dismissed and Bintshe left.

When Bintshe got outside she heard talk that the Dozor had been arrested at the market in Stok. As soon as Bintshe heard this news she grabbed her apron, rubbed her hand with earth from the ground and said, “May God be praised that I have lived to see this.”

She then went off in a rush to her company. All of them said it was obvious that Bintshe’s prayers and the prayers of the aforementioned zaddikim achieved the merit to help Bintshe, save her from prison, and even take revenge on her enemy.

Everyone rejoiced and congratulated Bintshe with “mazel tov”s.

Our Bintshe, not being lazy, went into her pocket and pulled out a drayer ^{64 64} A three-cent coin with which she sent off a messenger to bring back three cents worth of boiled peas. It wasn’t long before the messenger returned with the peas.

Bintshe took it upon herself to hand the peas out, saying, “Dear comrades, enjoy—we must celebrate all day long. Today is like a holiday to me.”

Bintshe really thought she had made it through. She spent all day with her pals rejoicing to the utmost.

Thursday evening when it was already time to go to minkhe Bintshe went to shul, too. As Bintshe got to the synagogue courtyard she heard a commotion—people were talking.

“What’s all the hubbub about?” she asked.

Reb Shmelke Kubel and Reb Leyb Toter went over and asked her, “How is it possible, Bintshe, that you don’t know that the Dozor was released from the Stok prison today?”

Bintshe froze in her tracks like a dead woman, at a loss for words. As soon as she recovered herself a little she said, “Shmelke, my dear, what are you saying?”

“Exactly what you’re hearing,” they responded. “To put it simply—the Dozor has been released from the Stok prison.”

So now Bintshe went into shul with a bitter heart. The poor thing soaked her entire korbn minkhe sidur ^{65 65} Hasidic women’s prayer book filled with supplications written by women in Yiddish. with hot tears. Upon leaving shul Bintshe went directly to her cohort to tell them about her disaster.

Her company also got completely riled up. But there was nothing they could do but turn it over to God.

After the Dozor rested up a little from being arrested, he remembered that he was supposed to appear with Bintshe at the appeal. He ran to the judge, arriving very overheated. The judge begged his pardon in informing him that the case had been dismissed.

Although the Dozor was annoyed with the judge for dismissing the case, he knew it was best not to say a word. He thought to himself, “Nu, nu, that may be the case here but I will not keep quiet when it comes to her.”

On Friday he sent the beys-din-shames ^{66 66} The usher for the rabbinical court to Bintshe to summon her to a din-toyre. ^{67 67} Lawsuit before a rabbinic tribunal When the shames arrived at Bintshe’s, even though she was pressed for time as she hadn’t yet even greased her kugel pan, she nevertheless put all her work aside and got ready to go straight to the Rabbi.

Both litigants went and stood before the beys din.

The Dozor began by saying, “Why did this shrew attack my boy? Why did she pinch his arm? Holy Rebbe, you know my boy—he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Nu, can you imagine the audacity of this woman to strike my boy.”

Then Bintshe stepped forward and began her defense: “Holy Rebbe, you know very well that a custom overrides a law. And here in town there is a custom that when a woman leaves the tvile she must touch a boy. I did no more than barely touch his hand. Who knew that such a mess would come of it? Believe me, Holy Rebbe, I swear on everything holy, if I had known that such a mess would come of it, I wouldn’t have even gone to the tvile. But most likely it has somehow been fated for me to pay for my sins.”

The Rabbi requested to be paid for his verdict. Since the Dozor didn’t have any money on him he asked the beys-din-shames to lend him some and put seventeen groschen down on the table. Bintshe matched his seventeen with seventeen of her own.

The Rabbi then directed the two litigants, Bintshe and the Dozor, to leave the room.

When the Dozor and Bintshe got outside they began to exchange words. Bintshe made the Dozor so angry that he was about to actually hit her. Bintshe screamed for help, “Gevald!”

A big to-do ensued. The entire beys-din rushed outside and brought the two of them back inside. The Rabbi was very angry. He said, “I am not about to get between two such folk. Especially since it is already almost time to welcome in the Sabbath. It would be better, if God wills it, for the Dozor to get three arbitrators on Sunday morning. And Bintshe too should get three arbitrators. Whatever the arbitrators decide, that’s how it will be.”

They both agreed to that and wished the Rabbi a good Shabbos and peacefully went home.

The Dozor spent his entire Shabbos thinking about who to get to arbitrate for him. And Bintshe too didn’t know who to turn this business over to.

Long story short, the Dozor selected his three arbitrators: Reb Tsodek Loksh, Korske Melamed and the Pocked-Marked Carpenter. And he actually took his hand away from his heart and put all his trust in them.

Bintshe picked her three arbitrators from her own group of followers: Reb Leybl Trask, Reb Dovid Khlast and Reb Yudl Gratsh. Whatever resolution these three philosophers came to would be all right with her.

On Sunday morning Bintshe and her arbitrators went to the Dozor. The Dozor sent for his arbitrators. When they were all assembled they sat down at the table to think about the verdict they would pass on Bintshe.

Long story short, they convened for four hours and still could not come to an agreement.

As the gang was sitting there ruminating, Reb Korske Melamed, one of the arbitrators, suddenly spoke up, “My advice would be we take a yarmulke and put six lots in it—five of them blank and the sixth will have, ‘winning ticket’ written on it. Whoever draws the winning ticket will be blindfolded with a red handkerchief. ^{68 68} Certain Hasidic sects customarily used red handkerchiefs. The other five arbitrators will stay in the room and who ever the blindfolded one catches—that’s who will be the arbitrator to whom all the others will have to defer.”

The arbitrators deliberated for a while and then, all in unison, called out, “Reb Korske Melamed is correct. First of all, he’s a Torah scholar, therefore worthy to be relied on. Secondly, many more people will derive a moral from this story. Because this whole business stems from a boy and the cheder boys are always playing Blind Man’s Bluff, it makes perfect sense that one of us should now too be blindfolded. All will see that the eybershter ^{69 69}Eybershter: Literally, “the one above”—another word for God.
pays out an eye for an eye.”

Korske Melamed took off his yarmulke and put one winning ticket and five blanks in it. He then called out in a loud voice: “Raboysim, Sirs, roll up your right sleeve and prepare to draw a lot.”

In great good fortune, the Pockmarked Carpenter drew out the winning lot.

Reb Korske Melamed took it upon himself to move the table and benches out. He then took his red handkerchief out of his own pocket and blindfolded the Pockmarked Carpenter. He tied the blindfold tightly around the Carpenter’s eyes and finished the job with two hard knots to hold the blindfold in place. Korske then led the Carpenter into the middle of the room and stepped away.

The poor carpenter stood there as if he’d soiled himself, looking completely disoriented.

He stood there for about half an hour until he decided to walk around the room. He eventually grabbed Reb Tsodek Loksh by the sleeve and wouldn’t let go.

Korske Melamed ran over to the Pockmarked Carpenter and undid his red blindfold. He then brought the table and benches back in. They sat Reb Tsodek Loksh at the head of the table and everyone that was there said “mazel tov” to Reb Tsodek Loksh three times. Reb Tsodek Loksh sat as if he really were a king presiding over his troops.

The assembled got to rest for a bit while Reb Tsodek Loksh ruminated on the verdict. This went on for about two hours.

And then Reb Tsodek Loksh stood up and angrily said these words: “I, Tsodek, say that Bintshe bears the entire guilt. If it weren’t for Bintshe, the Dozor’s boy would never have gotten pinched on his arm. In light of this, I, Reb Tsodek Loksh, rule that Bintshe immediately take off her shoes and walk through the entire shtetl in her stocking feet declaring: ‘Sirs, I sinned indeed when I pinched the Dozor’s son for no reason at all. In light of this, Raboysim, I first went to God and now I’m coming to you. I beg you to forgive me.’”

Bintshe did not procrastinate. She simply removed her shoes and went directly into the shul and did everything Reb Tsodek Loksh had ordered.

Then she went home.

The following morning all the posts in the shul were covered with notices. As were all the butcher shops and all the side streets. The poster was actually written in the Rabbi’s own hand with the following words: “I hereby proclaim that upon leaving tvile, women are not to molest anyone. Any female who does not obey this order will not be allowed to even set foot in the shul for four weeks. And on the fifth week she will be obliged to go to the Rabbi to receive her penance.”

And now dear readers we will commence with the building of a new bathhouse.

Even though the government prohibits building anything that is not made of brick, you must understand that a town like this must have a bathhouse. Nu, where are they going to get that much money to build a brick bathhouse?

It was decided that all the householders get together and have a meeting to figure out how to manage the cost of building a new brick bathhouse.

First things first, they decided to auction off the old bathhouse. The Rabbi sent the shames to summon all the householders. The whole town gathered at the Rabbi’s. The shames stood up on a big bench and began auctioneering in his loudest voice: “Twelve rubles for the demolished bath-house.”

He went on this way for about half an hour with no response at which point the shames ran out of strength to continue yelling. But luckily one of the people, Reb Moyshe Boltak, spoke up, “I’ll give fifteen rubles.” Then Reb Yisroel Koze raised it to eighteen rubles. The shames continued calling for bids for about another hour with no one else bidding.

The Rabbi finally yelled out for the shames to bang the gavel. So the shames yelled, “Eighteen rubles for the bathhouse going once, going twice, going three times and sold to Reb Yisroel Koze!”

All the proprietors went over to Reb Yisroel Koze and congratulated him. Reb Yisroel sent out for shnaps. As soon as the shnaps was drunk everyone sat down to a meeting to decide what was to be done with the money.

They decided to invest a third of it with the notable rich man, Reb Shmuel Kopels. He was a man you could trust. The principle was never to be touched and the interest that accrued would go to the Dozor to found a Talmud Torah.

The second third would be invested for Bintshe. She would use the accrued interest to arrange marriages for poor orphans. And the principle would most certainly remain principle.

The rest of the money was to go to the landowner who lived not far from the shtetl in the hamlet of Stoyadles. He had been wanting to plant a forest so the money was to be given to him for that purpose. The first trees to grow to maturity in eighty years would go to the building of the bathhouse.

Dear readers, if you want to reap pleasure, eighty years from now you may come visit this shtetl and you will witness a new bathhouse being built.